How To: see a movie for free

So last night, Dennis and I went to see the 11:00pm showing of Saw V. I feel like the saw franchise is able to pump out a new movie every single year, and I look forward to seeing Saw XVII when I’m 34. Also, I wonder if Saw XXX will be turned into a porno…

Anyways, so we get to new roc city (for those of you who don’t know, that is the 18-theater movie theater a few minutes from Larchmont), and its about 10 minutes before 11:00. I haven’t been to a movie at new roc in a long time, and to my surprise, things are much different. I remember going when I was younger with my friends, and it being a nice and fun place to hang out.

Things have chanegd.

There is now a line just to get INTO the building, and then you must wait on another line to buy tickets. There are also about 15 cops supervising all of this. And let’s just say I’m not the typical clientele they are accustomed to seeing anymore. I was certainly a minority, and I am pretty sure I was the only person wearing an abercrombie sweatshirt within miles.

So I got on line behind a guy and girl who were clearly on a date, as they were playing grab-ass as I stepped behind them. Speaking of ass, the girl must have had the biggest tooshie i’ve ever seen, and yet she still found a way to put her cell phone in her back jeans pocket. That impressed me.

Anyways, after I got on line, three big nfl-type guys got on the line behind me. These guys must have weighed a combined 900 pounds. It was a little awkward at first since I was clearly the only white person on line, so I decided to try to break the ice. I turned to the guys behind me and said, “so are you guys here to see high school musical 3?”

They didn’t laugh.

I kept my mouth shut after that, and Dennis finally met me in line. When we got into the building, we noticed the 11:00 showing was sold out, as was the 11:45. So we decided to get tickets for the 12:30am showing. We weren’t really sure what to do to kill the time, so Dennis suggested going inside and seeing if we could just walk into the 11:00 showing.

I tried nonchelantly walking past the guy at the door, but the guy stopped me and asked to see my ticket. When the guy (Brian) saw my ticket was for the 12:30 show, he told me to take a hike. So we walked away and decided to try to walk into the 11:45 showing. That didn’t work.

So we walked back towards the theater with the 11:00 showing, and asked Brian if we could just slip in, and he said “sorry guys, but I just can’t let you.”

We decided to offer him five bucks. He wouldn’t budge.

I tried making some small talk, and I’m pretty sure I threw in a comment about being a scared white boy in an abercrombie sweatshirt, but Brian wouldn’t let us slide. Not wanting to wait for the 12:30 showing, I finally just said “ok Brian, well are we allowed to just return our ticket stubs?” And for some reason that is beyong me, Brian goes “ya, you could, but why don’t you just go in the theater now.”

WTF? Did I say a secret code word or something? I was about to give up, and the guy just let us in–without even taking the five bucks! What a moron…

So you’re probably still wondering how we saw the movie for free. Excellent question. After watching the movie (which was good, but very gross), we left the theater and just like in a cartoon, a lightbulb came over my head. I said to Dennis, “why don’t we go return our 12:30 ticket stubs if it’s not too late.” I may not have gone to an ivy league school, but I’m a fucking genious. (Well I’m not that smart–I had actually thrown my ticket stub on the ground in the theater, but I was able to go back in and get it). The time was 12:45am, so we figured it was worth a shot.

So as we walked out with about 200 other people, we walked up to the ticket counter and I frantically said “excuse me but we have to return our tickets!”

The lady asked why.

“we just can’t stay. we HAVE to go.”

The lady said ok, and even though it was completely unnecessary, I added, “and hurry up, it’s an emergency!”

She shot me a look, and just when I thought I had ruined the chance to get a refund, she says, “would you like a twenty, or two tens.”

HA! not only did we get our money back, but they catered to our every fucking desire. I was about to ask for our money in singles and told her our emergency was that we decided to go to the strip club instead, but I thought that might be a bit much.

After putting our money BACK into our wallets, dbop and I shared a victorious high-five outside the building, and with that, we accomplished seeing Saw V for free.

(Unfortunately, the movie wasn’t free for Dennis, as he had to pay for parking, but beggers can’t be choosers.)

So to recap: go to theater. No HSM3 jokes. Get tickets for later showing. play scared-whiteboy card to guy checking tickets. enjoy movie. bring stubs to ticket booth. act frantic and at some point throw out the word “emergency”. high-five outside movie theater.


One Response to “How To: see a movie for free”

  1. Lauren Wolok Says:

    after seeing a million of your fb statuses referring to your blog…i finally decided to check it out. and jonny, you are hilarious and i miss you tons

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