Teeth

teeth

Movies come in all different lengths and genres. There are good movies (Crash) and bad movies (Operation Dumbo Drop). I’ve been working on a movie script for a while now, just as a little side project. I obviously know how hard it is to get a script picked up by a major studio, and plenty of people remind me along the way not to waste my time.

However, there’s one thing that keeps me going with my writing, and that is all the awful movies that are constantly being produced. Movies such as Glitter, From Justin to Kelly, Gangsta Rap: The Glockumentary, Swing Vote, Daddy Day Care, See Spot Run, that stupid chihuahua movie–the list goes on and on. I say to myself, there is no POSSIBLE way my movie can be any worse than these movies. Have you seen any of these movies? They are a joke, yet major studios are investing millions of dollars into them with such plots as:

  • In a remarkable turn-of-events, the result of the presidential election comes down to one man’s vote.

and…

  • While on vacation in Mexico, Chloe, a ritzy Beverly Hills Chihuahua, finds herself lost and in need of assistance in order to get back home.

However, just when I thought movies couldn’t get any more ridiculous- I am corrected. Angie, a girl I work with at Longfords, recently told me about a 2007 movie called Teeth. I’m sure you haven’t heard of it, because it went straight to DVD.

I asked, is this a movie about dentistry? Braces? Perhaps a documentary on solid-gold grills?

No. It’s a horror movie. She told me what it was about, but I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe a movie could be so ludicrous and absurd and unreasonable all at the same time. But after looking on IMDB, it was confirmed.

Here is the plot listed on IMDB: Still a stranger to her own body, a high school student discovers she has a physical advantage when she becomes the object of male violence.

Seems simple enough.

But what is that physical advantage might you ask?

The main character, Dawn O’Keefe, has teeth in her vagina.

Let me say this again…it is a movie….about a girl….who has TEETH…in her VAGINA!

WHAT…THE…FUCK.

Someone actually took the time to make a horror film about a girl who bites off the manhood of any guy who sexually assaults her.

Here’s the trailer to this gem.

As though getting a girl pregnant isn’t scary enough, now guys have to worry about a girl’s vagina going Lorena Bobbit on them. Wow.

Please watch this scene from the movie- tell me this isn’t the funniest horror movie ever made.

Here’s a still from the flick:

teeth-still

I’m pretty sure this is just before the doctor gets his fingers bit off by the teeth in Dawn’s love oasis. 

I can’t imagine this movie being very scary, as it seems like more of a dark comedy. But the fact that it even exists boggles my mind. I am going to rent it this week and I’ll let you know how brutally horrible it is.

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